A Million Broken Pieces
by BoandNora-ItsOneWord
Summary: Sometimes watching the one you love, love someone else is too much for a heart to take-Nora learns that when she plunges into darkness so she doesn't have to face the reality of her broken heart. Can Bo help her heal when he's the one who broke her? Told in Nora's POV.
1. A Cry For Help

**01- A Cry For Help**

The air had an icy chill as it skimmed across my bare back. I could hear the waves crashing against the rocks as I shut my eyes. Some days, the wind in my hair was invigorating. It reminded me of freedom.

 _I imagined the clear blue water crashing into my lungs...the need for air shutting down as my vocal chords began to contract. And then it would be over...everything would just be done...I would be free from the pain...free from everything._

I stepped onto the ledge of the pier and looked into the rough waters below...the waves thrashing violently against the shore as the wind began to howl in anticipation. The weather seemed to match the storm raging in my veins. It was time to give the water what it craved.

* * *

 _If anyone ever tells you that surviving something meant to kill you is a miracle... don't believe them._ The first thing I remember about waking up is that I couldn't move. The doctors kept shining this light in my face but I wouldn't react to it. They were asking me to describe what hurt me but all I wanted to tell them is 'everything.' That wasn't what they wanted to know. They weren't asking me about the pain in my heart...

"Why didn't you just let me die, " I asked, but they didn't answer me. The next time I woke up, it was even worse. I had a tube in my arm and a mask on my face. I was squinting my eyes to see who was in the room but even that was too much energy. I didn't want to be here.

"Nora," he called out in the darkness? I didn't need the lights to make out the shadow of his impossibly gorgeous eyes. _Of course it would be him._ He always seemed to be absent when I needed him but refused to go away when I wanted him to. I wanted to tell him to go to hell but in truth, I was too damn tired of watching him go. Tears stung my eyes as I tried to shut them. I couldn't even get that right.

"Why did you do it," he asked? "Why did you try to kill yourself?"

 _Of course he didn't know...he was too damn blind to see the obvious...as if a normal person couldn't see that he was breaking my heart_. I could barely swallow when I looked at him...each breath increasing the tightness in my chest as I tried to speak. The only word I was able to logically convey was "Paige." I think he understood the meaning because his eyes suddenly turned dark and then he shifted them to the ground, as if he was trying to say he was sorry but not sure how to say it. I didn't know how to say it either. How was I supposed to tell him that I would rather die a thousand deaths then to have to spend an eternity watching him love someone who wasn't me? I could face the other side of this hell...I couldn't face a life without him.


	2. Desperation

**02-Desperation**

I've seen that look in his eyes before...the one he only gives me when he feels some sort of pity for me. I wish I could take back the words I just uttered in desperation...not because they weren't true...I meant them with every breath inside of me...but because I can't stand to watch him look at me as if I'm some sort of charity case to him...I don't need him to feel sorry for me...I do enough of that all on my own.

Tears were burning my eyes and I wanted to shut them but I kept hearing his voice in my head, telling me not to. _"What the hell gave him the right to weigh in on my life when he so callously pushed me out of HIS?"_ I wish he knew how much he was breaking my heart right now...if he even cared. I used to know that beyond certainty...but now...Now I had to wonder if I meant anything at all to him.

Then I heard it...the voice I had grown to despise...the voice that played over and over in my head like a fucking broken record. She was coming near me with some kind of needle and I was screaming...I didn't even know I had a voice until the words were coming out of my mouth...I don't know what I was saying or if it was coherent but I didn't want her anywhere near me...or my medical treatment.

 _"Please,"_ I cried, my eyes locked on Bo's. _"Please, if you ever loved me, get her away from me...please."_

I think he saw the desperation in my voice...I have never seen him show fear but I almost sensed that he did then...I was struggling to move towards the back of my bed...suddenly feeling like that scared little girl once more...and Paige was looking at me like she didn't understand what the problem was...

"I don't think it's a good idea for you to treat her," I could hear Bo tell her. "She's becoming more agitated when you're around."

"She's playing you Bo," she tried to say. " _Oh please, that's your game," I wanted to say_...I wanted to say anything to get her the hell away from me but I was tired...so damn tired.

" _She needs help Bo...Or did you forget the fact that she nearly drowned herself to get your attention...she needs to be committed,_ " Paige's voice echoed in my head. I was scared...could she really do that to me...was it even legal? I could feel the knot in my stomach even as I started to panic...the monitors were going off I think...I could hear Bo screaming for a doctor and yelling at Paige not to touch me...

 _"She wants another doctor," he said. "Don't you think we should respect that?"  
_  
And then I could hear the voice of Dr. Michael Mcbain, ushering her out of the room. He was handing me a paper bag and telling me to breathe in it. "You're okay Nora," he said. "You're okay."

"I'm not crazy," I said. "I'm not."

Bo stepped a little closer to me then...careful not to crowd me. "Talk to me Nora," he said, and my eyes glazed over with unspeakable pain. _What was I supposed to tell him? His girlfriend was a lunatic...and I was the one who everyone thought was crazy._

"Another time," Michael said. "She's just been through a traumatic experience...She needs her rest."

"She almost froze to death," Bo said. "Isn't it bad for her to sleep?"

"We'll keep an eye on her Bo...I promise...just...go," he said.

I could hear the desperation in his voice when he turned to face me once more..."You don't have to worry Nora. Nobody is going to have you committed. You never did it to me...I'll make sure no one does it to you."

I was so shocked by his compassion that I didn't even know how to offer my gratitude...and then Michael was helping me back into my bed. "Sometimes people can surprise you," he said, and I think he was referring to my ex husband. I had been so sure that he didn't care...so sure that I almost ended my life over it... _and now he was offering to fight his girlfriend for me? What was going on here? What kind of twilight zone did I wake up in?_


	3. Broken Glass

**03\. Broken Glass**

I had a dream last night...I dreamt that I died. I didn't feel pain anymore. I just ceased to exist. Is that what dying really feels like...or is it more like what came next...the excruciating agony of waking up with a very real sensation that you couldn't breathe? I remember Michael shining a light in my eyes as he told me to take deep breaths. I also remember how it felt to be in that water. Was it normal to remember how you felt the day you tried to kill yourself? If it was then I didn't want that knowledge anymore.

"You need to talk to someone," Michael said. "Whatever is going on inside that head of yours, it's causing you extreme panic. I'm worried about your heart Nora."

"My heart is already broken," I said. But that wasn't what he meant and we both knew it.

* * *

Later that day I remember being awoken by the sound of voices. It took me a while to realize that it was my son and he was angry. I wanted to go to him and tell him that it was okay but how could I...he was just a little boy and he knew that his mother wasn't okay. Lying was something I would never do to him. And then I heard it...the unmistakable sound of the accusations...

 _"Why didn't you call me back? How could you just not care that she was sick? I told you she was acting weird and I didn't know what to do...why didn't you call me back? Are you going to divorce me just like you divorced mom?"_

"How could you possibly think that? I didn't know Matthew. Whatever message you left, I didn't get it. I would never turn my back on you. I love you."

 _"You said you loved mom too and you lied. You left her all alone_."

"I never lied about that Matthew. Sometimes Couples just don't work out."

"It doesn't mean you should treat her like this? Don't you care that you are hurting her every single day?"

"Matthew..."

I Stepped out from the doorframe with my oxygen tank still attached. "He's right Bo. You might not mean to but you do...You hurt me more than anyone else ever has...and maybe I deserve that but he doesn't...If you don't care about me then couldn't you at least care about your son?"

"I do care about him...and believe it or not, I care about you too. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy."

"Am I your worst enemy now Bo?"

"That's not what I meant."

"Well whatever you meant, we sure aren't what we used to be. I might be having some problems with my memory lately but I do know that we used to be friends..."

"We still are friends..."

"No, Bo...We're not...Friends don't treat each other like the stuff that's stuck at the bottom of your shoe...Don't you get it...Don't you understand how it feels to never know which Bo I'm going to get...the man who once loved me or the man who wants to forget he ever did..."

"Do you think this is healthy? Nora, you almost died."

"And _you_ could have prevented it," Matthew suddenly snapped? " _You could have checked your messages. You could have called to check on us. You could have done so many other things..."_

"Matthew, I never got any messages from you..."

"Don't you talk to your girlfriend," he asked? "I talked to her. She said she'd give you the message. Are you saying that you really had no idea?"

"That's exactly what I'm saying."

"I don't believe you."

"Matthew, look at me...Look at me..."

Tears were pouring down his face as he looked at his dad and me..."I didn't know how sick she was," Bo said..."I didn't know...I would never want anything bad to happen to either of you..."

"How can you say that Bo," I yelled..."You _created_ most of the bad happening right now."

I didn't know if he believed me or not but at that point I just couldn't hold in how I really felt. My mind was on a roller coaster of fuzzy memories and my heart hurt too bad to sort them out. I was in this hospital because of my ex husband.


	4. Silence

**04\. Silence**

I stared at the bottle of pills sitting on the table beside my bed. Michael said I should take them for depression but I wasn't sure. I think doctors always give you medicine because they don't know what else to do. Even if I took those pills, I would still be sad. They aren't going to erase the pain. Sometimes I wish I could just lose my memory again. I wouldn't know what I was missing. Tears slipped from my eyes as the knock on the door nearly startled me into fear.

"What are you doing here Bo," I asked? He didn't wait for an invitation as he entered the room… but I sensed his hesitation. Neither one of us knew where we stood anymore.

"I want to help you okay? I know that you don't trust me and maybe I can accept that but…You shouldn't be alone," he said.

"Are you worried I'll try to hurt myself again," I asked? I knew the answer because I could read his face like a book but I needed to hear him say it.

"I'm worried period," he said. I could tell that he was sincere but I didn't know what he wanted from me. There was nothing I could do to reassure either of us.

"I can't tell you not to be. _I'm_ worried about me too," I ended up saying.

"How can I help you get better," he asked?

"You can't. To be honest, I'm not even sure what _I_ can do."

He reached out his hand to me and, surprising us both, I took it. There was nothing but empty silence in the air as our eyes met. It made me want to scream. I could hear the voices in my head fighting for control and I didn't know which one was real. I couldn't even be sure that _he_ was real.

"It's okay to need someone you know," he said. He was wrong about that. Needing _him_ is what almost killed me.

I had to blink back the blinding tears as I looked at him. I could see him the way he looked on our wedding day. He was telling me how much he loved me. But that was in another lifetime wasn't it? I wasn't walking down the aisle about to marry him…

"What's happening to me," I cried? "I don't even know what is real anymore."

I don't know if he could tell that I was lost between two worlds…but I could tell that he was scared. He called for a doctor as I tried to clear my mind of the conflicting images in my head. I was vaguely aware of his voice telling me it would be all right but nothing else seemed to register. In that moment, all that registered was terror.


	5. Psychosis

**05\. Psychosis**

Michael was taking me down to get a brain scan when suddenly I felt like I could not catch my breath. "I think I'm having a heart attack," I whispered, as the need for air became so severe that I was sure I was going to die. I know that Michael was speaking to me but the words did not register in my brain. It was as if I was back in that cold water, where every breath I took was a struggle.

I saw a flash of light as millions of voices danced around in my head; When I opened my eyes I could see her standing there telling me that I was _nothing_ and that I did _not_ deserve to live. Bo was standing right there with her smiling, as if he agreed with everything she said. I did not understand how the same man who once told me that he loved me more than anything could now be planning a life with another woman. _How could I be so damn replaceable to him?_

" _Why are you doing this to me_ ," I cried. " _Why are you hurting me like this? I loved you. I loved you so much. How can you replace me this soon? I could never replace you."  
_  
Paige was suddenly in my face telling me that he never loved me and that he never would again. That _I_ was toxic and that I should just put everyone out of their misery and die for real this time…that nobody would even miss me. She talked about being Matthew's new mother. What was I supposed to do? She might have taken my husband away from me but she would never take my son…  
 _  
"Over my dead body,_ " I screamed, pulling a scalpel from Michael's pocket and stabbing her. The next thing I remember I am waking up with a bright light in my face and excruciating pain in my lower abdomen. Michel is asking me what I remember.

"I remember Paige…She was telling me I should kill myself and that Matthew was her son now. I had to stop her Michael…I had to…You believe me don't you?" Tears burned my eyes as I saw the sadness in his own. "Nora, Paige was not even there…You stabbed yourself right in front of me."

"But that's _impossible_ …I _saw_ her…Bo was with her… they were making plans to take Matthew away from me… "

I stopped mid sentence when I realized what he was telling me. "Are you saying that I imagined the whole thing? What is wrong with me Michael? Please tell me I'm not crazy."

 _Psychotic…There is actually a form of depression that they call psychotic depression…that is what I have…I am psychotic.  
_  
 _"Please don't lock me up_ ," I beg, when Bo walks in and sits by my side. I know he is worried but he is also angry. I have seen that look before…. As if, he has a _right_ to be angry after _he_ is the reason I am not myself anymore. " _Please…if you ever loved me…don't let them commit me. I am not crazy Bo. I'm not…"  
_  
"I will _never_ let them commit you…You _didn't_ do it to me…I will _never_ do it to you…but you can't stay here…every time I think you are getting better than something happens and you have a setback…You need more treatment than I can give you. I am _not_ going to watch you hurt yourself again."

" _I wouldn't need to hurt myself if you would just look at me like you used to. The only thing I ever needed was you…but if you don't want that any more than tell me how you got over me…Please cowboy…loving you has officially made me crazy…tell me how I am supposed to stop loving you when it is the only thing I can think of."_


End file.
